Saturday, January 12, 2019

Weekend Rant

Dear Diary,

It seems we have some rain coming into the valley again this weekend and once again, I can feel it and my muscles and bones. No energy whatsoever!

The wife has to work from 5 to midnight, both tonight and tomorrow so it's really lonesome here.
I have the company of the cats, but they're both asleep.

I'm having real concerns about my lack of motivation lately. I haven't cut my hair in at least two weeks and two or three weeks ago, one of the cats knocked over my office wastebasket. I haven't even had the motivation to pick it up yet!
I also haven't been checking my blood sugar and my blood pressure on a daily basis as I'm supposed to.

Started the day out today with major incontinence issues the nature of which I'll refrain from describing. I think you all get the point!
It's gotten to the point where we've had to actually set a specific budget for incontinence supplies. It's really a shame Medicare doesn't pick this up.

I'm currently trying to decide whether to cancel my next appointment with my bariatric specialist.
I haven't seen her in nearly two months and I have made absolutely no progress toward losing weight. In fact, I've gained at least six pounds.

This bothers and embarrasses me tremendously because I know precisely what needs to be done and simply lack the willpower and motivation to do it.
I have no idea where this is going to end up.

January is going to be a very busy month for us involving a lot of doctor's visits.

We have very little discretionary income right now so that constantly occupies my mind.
The fact that big pharma has decided to renege on their pledge not to raise prices and gone ahead and done so for 2019 is impacting us as well.
They've raised the prices on at least 200 common medications, one of which is sildenafil which I have to take three times a day.
I did have a copay of $30 every month when they're prescription is renewed. That has increased to $60.
We don't know yet precisely how many of the drugs that I take are going to be affected but this increase it's almost definitely going to affect the health care of millions and millions of people.
Big pharma just doesn't give a rat's ass!

The wife and I are definitely between a rock and a hard place financially right now.
The house needs a lot of upgrading and repair. I used to do about 95% of that and unfortunately can no longer do so. We could have it contracted out but we have no way to pay for it and no credit as well.
I have no doubt that our HOA will be on our backs about this soon.

I really do try to take heart in the fact that there are many, many people out there that are far worse off than we are but sometimes I just feel overwhelmed.

2143hrs: it's starting to get late now so I think I'm going to try to get my lazy ass up and possibly cut my hair and trim my beard so I don't look like such a slob.
I've also got to take a large laundry out of the washer and put it in the dryer or else I'm not going to have any towels tonight.

The wife called and said things are going well at work but she still going to have to be there until midnight.
I'd let her take the truck back and forth to work but I'm concerned about her security they're at the mall. There are a lot of undesirables that hang out there.

This entry is a carryover from yesterday. Done ranting for now.


"Every day above ground is a good day".  -- Scarface

Wednesday, January 09, 2019


Dear Diary,

After some thought, I have decided to implement a 'captcha' in the 'comments' code sooner than expected.
Most of these comments make absolutely no sense.
Hate to do this but I guess it's time.

Been having a lot of back and joint pain lately, especially during cold and rainy weather. I guess it's making me a little grumpy.

The wife and I are having 'happy hour' together and I just dropped a full glass of good bourbon on the fucking floor! It's been one of those days. I seem to have a lot of them. :(

I've been very tired lately and I can't really tell if it's more physical than mental or vice versa. Could be more benzo abuse than anything else.

I've been very lax on keeping close track of my health lately and I think it' because of the possibility of stage 4. This is a trend I need to break out of in a hurry!

I feel angry at the world and all of humanity. I feel the world has become insane. I am outside looking in and that is what I see.
I'm not blaming the world for my disease but rather analyzing how we could improve our existence in this world and falling into depression because of our idiocy.

*sips bourbon, this time without breaking glass*

If all this doesn't seem to make too much sense, I really don't give a rat's ass. I am going to be a whole lot more 'me' from now on. If you are interested, follow me, if not, then why the fuck are you reading this?

PS: If you haven't noticed, I have a real good drunk on right now. Thank goodness for decent spell checkers! Lol! If high school actually meant anything, we wouldn't need spell checkers.


"Every day above ground is a good day".  -- Scarface

Monday, January 07, 2019

I Need A Small Favor...

Dear Diary,

It has recently come to my attention that 99.9% of the comments I receive on the blog are anonymous which causes me to suspect that almost all of the comments are AI (bots).

I know there are a few folks out there who actually do read my stuff.

Therefore I am asking those who truly want to post constructive, supportive comments to refrain from posting anonymously. Just use a pseudonym or your real first name or initials.

From now on, all anonymous comments will be considered spam and will not be published.

All that being said, please understand that I love to receive and respond to comments, especially real ones (Lol).
If there is no change in anonymous postings after a few weeks, I will have to use a 'captcha' which I really don't want to do.

So...consider this a favor to this old man.


"Every day above ground is a good day".  -- Scarface

Sunday, January 06, 2019

Rainy Saturday...Alone

Dear Diary,

Sat. 1724hrs.

I just finished taking out the garbage and cleaning up the area where our feral kitties live. I am now exhausted!
To make things worse, it has decided to rain and I am feeling it in my bones and muscles. Not bad enough to take anything for yet just enough to be annoying.

Wife is working till 2200 and I'm feeling lonesome. I may take a little nap.

1941hrs. Well, I didn't take a nap but just sorta chilled for a couple of hours. It still hasn't started to rain.

2051hrs. I've decided to keep publishing the journal online, at least for the foreseeable future.
Since I'm on a one-way street, so to speak, I will continue to record this disease process until I can no longer function.

2342hrs. Just back from picking up the wife. It's raining pretty hard now and I feel like I'm going into one of my bouts of depression. Almost got in a fight in the mall parking lot because of my stupid temper.

*sips on a beer*

Getting too tired to write...zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!


"Every day above ground is a good day".  -- Scarface

Monday, December 31, 2018

New Year's Eve In Paradise

Dear Diary,

It's a dark and stormy New Year's Eve here in paradise. It's downright, bloody cold too! Somewhere in the mid to low 30s.
It's a great night to be home, safe and sound and covered in cats. We're not missing all the new year's celebration nonsense.

Went out earlier to get some drugs and booze (non-recreational drugs, of course) and almost froze my gonads off. No great loss there, actually! Lol!

We're going to put a pork roast on the rotisserie later and imbibe in some bourbon. Then we'll hit the hay and wait for the crazy folks around us to blow up the neighborhood at midnight!
It's a shame we don't live in the country. I would probably be tempted to break out the old 12 gauge and join them. ;)

Anyhow, Y'all have a safe and prosperous 2019!


Querido diario,

Es una Nochevieja oscura y tormentosa aquí en el paraíso. ¡Es francamente, muy frío también! En algún lugar en el medio a bajo 30s.

Es una gran noche para estar en casa, sanos y salvos y cubiertos de gatos. No nos estamos perdiendo todas las tonterías de la celebración del año nuevo.

Salí antes para conseguir algunas drogas y alcohol (drogas no recreativas, por supuesto) y casi congelé mis gónadas. No hay gran pérdida allí, en realidad! Jajaja

Vamos a poner un asado de cerdo en el asador más tarde y bebemos un poco de bourbon. ¡Luego atacaremos el heno y esperaremos a que la gente loca que nos rodea explote el vecindario a medianoche!

Es una pena que no vivamos en el país. Probablemente estaría tentado a romper el viejo calibre 12 y unirme a ellos. ;)

De todos modos, ¡Todos ustedes tienen un 2019 seguro y próspero!


"Every day above ground is a good day".  -- Scarface

Sunday, December 30, 2018

Welcome To Stage 4 And Feeling A Bit Overwhelmed Today :(

Dear Diary,

Feeling a little tired and down today. Facing the possibility of fighting stage 4 cancer long before I expected to is physically and emotionally taxing.
I find myself acutely aware of every new little ache or pain and then my imagination goes haywire for a while.
I sure hope that any new treatments they may try are capable of a more durable response than Lupron/Casodex had!

I actually try to look at my future with this disease as an adventure into the 'golden years' that a great many people are on with me. Sometimes that helps yet at other times, I feel totally alone.

I fully realize that, with all the new, novel treatments coming along every day, I might very well live as much as another decade...but at what price in terms of quality of life?
It is evident that both my mental and physical condition is gradually deteriorating month by month.
I don't know if these changes are caused by progressive cancer or by a combination of other issues including my weight and a 'forced' sedentary lifestyle.

1942hrs: Well, the wife is home from work for four days and it's 'happy hour' so things are a little less lonely.
Maybe we will talk about the future tonight and then, maybe we won't.

I think I would be more optimistic and easier to live with if I could get rid of this goddamn incessant lumber back pain. It can be very draining! It does not appear to be bone pain but more of a muscular origin.
The good news is that it generally doesn't interrupt my sleep (or my wife's).

It doesn't interrupt Jordan's either! ;)
This is my wife, Karen torturing our baby Jordan! He is the most 'laid back' cat I've ever met!

Since my life is getting more exciting (and more expensive), I will probably be making a lot more short entries in the journal from now on.
If anyone wishes to comment or have a brief dialog with me, please do so either on the website by clicking on the 'comment'button or by email to:
Don't be afraid to use a first name. A continuous stretch of 'anonymous' posts gets kinda boring! Lol!

Have fun and stay healthy!


"Every day above ground is a good day".  -- Scarface

Saturday, December 29, 2018

Update From Friday's Urologist Visit

Dear Diary,

I believe I said on my last entry that I had an appointment yesterday with my urologist, Dr. F.

The appointment itself went well however the outcome was not as good as I hoped but by no means as bad as I figured it could be.

We are still not sure what stage the cancer is currently at, but it is definitely either late stage 3 or early stage 4. There is no stage 5, LOL!

He says the rise in PSA from 3.1 in August to 4.8 now is something to definitely be aware of but nothing to panic about.

We are, however, going to enlist the aid of a medical oncologist (MO) within the next six months.
the MO will evaluate my situation from a medical standpoint and make a recommendation on what steps if any we should take from now on.

Dr. F is provided me with a written recommendation to someone at Virginia Piper Cancer Center who he apparently feels very confident in.

Ironically, after this length of time with the disease, I'm circling back to the same medical facility that I started out with when I had my initial surgery.

It would appear, on the outside of things, that the drug of choice initially, may be apalutamide (Earleda).

This is one of the new so-called wonder drugs considered very effective against prostate cancer.
it has just recently been approved by the FDA and the United States and Canada. Its main drawback is its price, as usual.
A 30-day supply out of pocket is approximately $11,500.

I am going to have to really start doing my homework if I stand any chance of getting this drug.
In the meantime, I'm going to make an appointment with this new guy, the, MO and see what kind of relationship we can develop. Uhh...don't take that wrong. Lol.

More as it develops.


"Every day above ground is a good day".  -- Scarface